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How to deal with Lust (mostly deals with masturbation)

March 21, 2013

My advice for men struggling with masturbation (mostly for those in relationships with another girl they intend to honor).

Tonight God answered my prayer and spoke to me. Recently my struggle with lust broke my heart very slowly. It was not quick for me to learn. But slowly God was speaking to me and tonight I feel it is finally clear that I have the answer I was looking for and I think it could bless any man struggling with any amount of lust. Remember Ephesians 5:3 But among you there should not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.

Dont forget that verse. That is the basis of all of our struggles with lust that we men seeking to be men of God need to go through. It is hard to get advice that will truly bless us to change our ways. Sometimes the advice seems like you have to be perfect to be able to do it sometimes the advice is worthless. I think God’s wisdom will touch all those who have ears to hear it and it will bless them in their struggle to persevere and to become men so much more than before. What a man has become in America even as a Christian has crumbled from the image we have of Jesus and from the ways the early church taught. Many have written about that already.

My purpose is to focus on how to deal with lust afterwards.

Most men when they deal with lust they seek forgiveness from God and they seek some kind of repentance but it is not a repentance of strength and one that will lead to victory. That is why we fail again and again. But have hope, slavery is not inevitable. We don’t have to be perfect, we just have to see how desperately we need this change. That is what I will discuss now.

Most people masturbate to porn. This is so horrible for our eyes and our hearts and souls and spirit and everything in us. Like when a man unites himself with a prostitute he sins against his own body so do we brothers, we are doing the same, we would unite ourself with an internet prostitute through masturbation and I know this will rest uneasy with some but we cheat on our girlfriends, future brides, spouses. We cheat. I think unless we can see that we are cheating not only from the heart but with our eyes as well and our hands then we will not be able to change. But if we recognize and accept that this act is completely a form of adultery very similar to prostitution then I think we will be blessed by God to turn away from it. The first step is a repentance of having our eyes opened so that we are desperate for change. Are you thirsty to stop cheating on your wife, girlfriend, whoever? Do you ache inside because you have spoiled the joy of future intimacy, do you ache because you have not been faithful to the girl you profess to love?

I think that is another thing we need to recognize as men. We profess to love these women yet we commit adultery against them and because it is “natural” to struggle with lust and porn and masturbation and because “everyone does it” we think of it as less of a crime. But you would see a man who cheats with another woman physically and in person as one who does not love his wife. So why do we think we are still being loving? How can we commit masturbation one morning, afternoon, evening, and then go and look at the girl we are committed to without feeling the deep remorse and pain of knowing we have been unfaithful. We should immediately tell them we have been unfaithful and recognize that we are being unfaithful and do not immediately assure them it won’t happen again because we don’t want to go down the path to fake repentance from this. That is a part of the cycle. It will be hard to see this as unfaithfulness fully at first. It will be hard to see the seriousness of this but I am sure that if you wish to honor your partner you will find it obvious and God will put it in your heart to see the seriousness of your crime.

Please take a quick break. Just think about your struggles with lust. Think about your partner, think about the life you want to have with them. Is masturbation to porn compatible with that life? Can you love your partner while lustfully looking at the naked body of another woman? Do you realize the unnatural standard you are telling you she needs to have to satisfy you? You are saying to her not only that she must have that body but you are saying she must do these specific sexual things to please you, and you are saying you can’t wait and you want them now. So any faithful girl who does not want to give in is heart broken because they will not have sex with you now (if you are married it is a much more serious story and much worse since the level of adultery is so much stronger I believe). They want to remain faithful to God but you are telling them that you just can’t resist these urges and you need to fill them. I know us guys like to blame it on the temptation or the situation or something else but come on guys. Own up to it. Would you be tempted by porn if you did not lust over those women’s bodies sometimes?  Would you be tempted by porn if you in your heart of hearts thought your partner was worth everything in the world? I don’t think you would. We would not be tempted but we are because in our twisted hearts and from American culture (from many young men) we are told that porn is good. Many people think it is good for a sexual relationship. We must recognize porn is an evil evil thing from the devil and we must recognize that we must do all we can to avoid the temptation. We must run from it. We can’t just live with it.

One quick practical way to deal with the temptation is to fill your mind with the word of God. His words are life and they are healing and they will restore life to our twisted hearts. Men, we are Christians and yet we struggle with this. We have much to repent of. We need to fill our minds with God’s word so that it will pierce into our hearts and cut us deep within. That is when it changes us. Memorize Ephesians 5:3  maybe the verse about uniting oneself with a prostitute which is maybe from Corinthians i cant remember. And when you memorize it memorize it with the intent to have the word of God transform your mind during the day and to give you strength and power. You need to believe this will work so that you do not do it passively. memorizing scripture is good but if we do it passively it will not penetrate our hearts and bring change.

That is one thing we can do and should do to deal with the lust and temptation. But what do we do about our partners? We have been so unfaithful. Now I can’t say everything. There is a terribly long list of things we must do and should do to honor her and to honor God and her family for what we have done.

One thing to recognize is that this girl is a man’s daughter. She is a woman’s daughter. Now the father is the one we should probably go to first since he is the head of the family but we need to apologize sincerely and ask for forgiveness from them for being adulterous with their daughters. Don’t think of this as extreme or silly for your situation. Think about how much that man cares about his daughter and how much you have dishonored her by saying that she is not enough and you need this other sexual escape as well. You have belittled her and if she knows the full extent of the things you do when you masturbate you have broken her heart. You have made his precious daughter cry. You have hurt her. If she does not express the hurt she may believe the lies of American culture that say it is okay cuz all guys do it but I assure you if she knew she could express her heart without fear of being told she was being unreasonable then she would surely say how heart she is and how little she feels. I would not be surprised if she has cried about it before or if she has become numb to the pain and doesn’t think anything of it now because you have allowed her to be or things from her past have allowed her to be.

Before I go on I just want to say that, no sir, you are not to blame for all of this girl’s problems, you are not to blame for everything, but do you love her? Are you willing to love her? Don’t you want her to be filled with joy that she could be with such a man? I hope you do! Your partner is worth more than gold. You should take as much responsibility as you can, not because you are fully responsible, but because you don’t want to lack taking responsibility in one area or another. We do not know how dramatically our sin has affected this girl. I assure you if you go through these steps to love her she will be truly blessed by it in the end and will feel so much more loved so do not doubt she has been affected by it. I think the worst situation is that she has been numbed to it. That brother is a truly broken girl. She is hurting so much inside and is searching all over the place for true fulfillment since she can’t find it in her relationship if she is numb to that pain.

Men, we need to own up to this. We need to take steps of real repentance. If you have struggled with masturbation and porn in the past dont let this get by you! At the very least it has hurt your heart badly and if you are single it is destroying your future relationship with your spouse. It is destroying your perception of sex and of what a woman is and of how we should treat them. It will numb you to things. It will scar your eyes. You will never be able to remove those images naked women you have seen from your eyes. If you have been addicted before they will be there unless God removes them. Those images can remind you constantly of what you have done and to stay strong and of how screwed up your perception of women is.

Now I know most people reading this may feel like I missed them or was not really speaking to them since they don’t feel how I feel about this or there struggle with lust is so different. Some of you maybe I have got it right and you know things need to change. But if you don’t really get it yet then please don’t move on. I can always right more about this God willing, I have to say I usually don’t have many wise words to say and my posts are fruitless but there is more conversation to be had. I haven’t even gotten into the things that I wanted to because there is so much to go over.

Remember a few things, the bible verse memorization: get them verses engraved in your minds. Seriously. It is so helpful to write the verse you are working on down 100 times on a piece of paper. And focus on one at a time unless you feel very much called to more. Be faithful to that one verse in your mind and watch God transform your heart and mind slowly.

Another thing is to talk to the parents. You have disrespected them by doing this to their daughter and you are unworthy of her, so unworthy. You have cheated, not soft cheated, if you are full on into masturbation and porn then it is legitimate cheating and you have united your heart and mind with these unrealistic women who make their lives about sex. MEN life is not about sex. These women are so broken, we should be crying over this as Christians that they would be tempted by this world to turn their lives over to sex, we should pray for them, not support them. That is working against the gospel, that is the work of satan to enslave these women. Christian men cannot be addicted to porn. So you need to apologize to her parents, truly sorry, if you apologize lightly about this after confessing then that isn’t good, don’t apologize until you are feeling quite emotional about how serious this is, if you are convicted it will tear you apart inside to know what you have done.

Another thing is your partner, you owe her the world. You have destroyed your eyes and your heart. You have done evil. Be ready to begin the most important and radical repentance of your life because if you don’t then you will only keep hurting her and your love for her will never heal her. She needs real love. Regardless of how she feels, if she is numb to it, she needs the love of a godly man and the freedom of Christ. You need that as well because without it you are condemned to hell but thank the Lord that he came down for us 🙂 He has given us this way to be fixed not only for eternity in the hands of God but we don’t have to live lives of slavery to pain on earth. We can learn to live a life of love and you will be amazed at how much it blesses the people around you. Your partner will be blessed most, her parents will be blessed and so glad to know she is finally in good hands because you are fully living to love her. Remember what marriage and relationships are, it is Christ’s love for the church, that is how we ought to view our love for our partner. And one of the best things is once you are conquering this you can bring others along with you and come on guys, you can finally be free from this thing which has been torturing you! As much as porn and masturbation are our won fault, there is no way to express what torture it is. Once you know how evil it is the torture you will feel is worse. The way it enslaves us to treat women horribly is just obscene. We can be free to set others free!

Just a few more things. Anyone who struggles with masturbation but not porn. I am so glad you are not in a struggle with porn but still your heart is lustful and incontrollable. You still desperately need to repent otherwise it could get worse. You don’t want to grow numb to it. I didn’t once get to talking about what sex is for really. But it is all about the intimacy of marriage and about the woman you will be with or your current partner. If you will be married in the future then you are only ruining what your intimacy will be, you are making it about yourself when we are meant to love our partner so much more than ourselves. We are so selfish. We dishonor women so much. And we disgrace ourselves with this shameful act. But we can be free forever and we can be forgiven eternally and God is the strength that we have to rely on. By his power alone can we do this. These are steps but unless he touches your heart and opens your eyes you will not be able to defeat this. I urge you to see the seriousness of the sin you are committing against your current or future partner. And wow! I have missed one heck of a thing. Do not forget this is sin against God! We dishonor him with our bodies and our lives and our hearts. We are so wicked. We must repent. There is no other way. Lust is one of so many sins we commit against him. We need to work to be filled with his transforming power through the word. Not even a hint of sexual immorality because it isn’t proper for God’s holy people! No more inappropriate tv shows for any of us, never, no more porn. If you keep it up after this I pray for your soul you can repent in the future because the wrath awaiting those is clearly layed out in Ephesians 5 for those who do these acts of disobedience.

Guys I admit I struggle with many sins and I am so far from being a Godly man. I do not write this as one who has conquered even lust. I write it as one who is struggling against it. I struggle with laziness so badly, I hope the next quarter of school I can schedule very well and get work done ahead of time. I need to cut out the games and tv and wasted time. We are free in Christ to serve him and not to waste our lives. You will find me sinning again in the future committing the sins I condemn. I recognize that I struggle to repent as well. But we must take these steps. We must fill our mind with God’s word, we must spend time in prayer and watch God heal us. Do not be afraid, God has a good will, pray and read the word, memorize so that important verses and concepts stick with you to transform you and search for other ways to grow. God bless! The long post was just to get out as much information as possible incase this actually helps someone (God willing). Love you guys! Thank the Lord I am not captive to my old sins.

I left out the most important thing. Remember, you are not alone! God is working in our lives. If you are ready but feel so weak you are not alone in this. You are not going to be the reason that you get over this, God will do it because he is good! He is your strength. Rely on him. That is why we need his word, that is why we need prayer and even fasting. When we live lives of love then God is already working through us. The Holy Spirit is the one who causes us to love. He is the reason that I have the convictions I do that are leading me to feel like I have a way to get out of the mess I dug myself into. Don’t worry about how bad your situation is. Just focus on doing things like praying and reading the bible. Keep God in your life and HE will do things in your life and make it better. He will give you the convictions you need when you need them. If you need to have a serious talk with a partner then he will guide you. You are not even alone in your most shameful moments about this. Why would we ignore our problem when we have the God of the universe to work it out in our lives!

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